The Fascination of the Abomination
by Lefty
Summary: “The fascination of the abomination – you know, imagine the growing regrets, the longing to escape, the powerless disgust, the surrender, the hate.”


**Title: **The Fascination of the Abomination

**Rating: **PG

**Summary: "**The fascination of the abomination – you know, imagine the growing regrets, the longing to escape, the powerless disgust, the surrender, the hate."

**Notes:** Written rather quickly because I had to get it out. And I couldn't avoid how well (I thought) the quote seemed to fit Sam.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own them or the show. The end.

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_**"The fascination of the abomination – you know, imagine the growing regrets, the longing to escape, the powerless disgust, the surrender, the hate." – Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness**_

**Regrets**

Sam had a lot of regrets. Sometimes he regretted leaving the family the way he did. Sometimes he regretted coming back.

He regretted all the things he'd ever said to Dean about their father and the life they lead and how stupid and pointless this endless hunt was.

He regretted letting his guard down so much during the talk with Ellicott's son that it had dredged up all the feelings he was trying to suppress about Dean just so he could make things _work _between them.

He regretted pushing away the one person he had left in the world because he was harboring so much hatred.

He had walked out on Dean once. Sam hadn't literally walked out this time, but the effect on Dean was still the same.

Sam regretted that there was nothing he could say that would even _begin _to fix things.

Actions speak louder than words, and Sam had held a gun to his brother's head.

**Escape**

He thought college was the answer; college was his way out. He could get away from his disapproving father and his past. He could start over and be normal and worry about college exams rather than monsters.

It never occurred to him how ironic it was that he was the one Winchester who hated the hunt most of all, yet he was the one with the gift.

The more Sam wanted to separate himself from that part of him, that part of his life, the faster it caught up with him. Everything that he'd been running from finally caught up and snowballed into that one moment where Dean's eyes just went blank as the gun clicked in his face.

**Disgust **

Sam would admit he had issues with Dean, but what had Dean ever done that Sam could honestly justify hating him? Dean deserved better than a father who abandoned him and a brother who walked out on him…

…the same brother who held a gun to his head.

He wished Dean would have punched him again or yelled at him or told him to find his own damn ride to a motel. Sam never hated himself more than he did in those first few coherent moments afterwards.

Was it Dean he really hated? Or himself?

**Surrender**

Sam didn't remember when he first realized that he couldn't escape. It was somewhere between Dean showing up at school telling him their father was missing and Sam leveling a gun at his brother.

Or maybe it was as early as their mother's death and Sam was just lying to himself for all these years about being able to get away from it all.

He couldn't fight it; he never could.

He wanted to run again; running was so much easier than looking at Dean's eyes right now.

But in the end he gave in. No matter how much he wanted to get away from this so-called _life_, he couldn't. It was inescapable.

**Hate**

Dean didn't cry. Sam would cry enough for the both of them. Dean didn't talk. Sam couldn't say enough, so he just didn't say anything.

Sam hated that Dean had taken him away from college, from Jessica. He hated that Dean was so nonchalant about hunting. He hated that Dean could still be worried about their father who, in Sam's eyes, currently didn't give a damn about his children. He hated that Dean had talked him into going to the asylum. He hated that Dean had offered him the gun…

…and that he had taken it.

In the end, Sam hated himself. As much as he wanted to blame everything on Dean, there was no denying who was really at fault.

Sam didn't just pull the trigger. He pulled it four times.

He was aiming for Dean's head and hit his brother's heart.


End file.
